Rebecca's journal-may be time to restart this

[Dawn419]

Yes, it's hard BUT you still have to be the bigger person in this situation because in the end, you and the children will come out ahead, whether you feel that way/see it that way, right now.

You may have lost your parents but I think you've gained a lot of adopted ones, myself included!

 

[dragonlaurel]

Sorry in advance if I'm too blunt but it is trying to be helpful. You deserve way better than all of this and I hope this will help. .
You have a big advantage you don't recognize here. He is feeling guilty and seems rather desperate for his new freedom. That puts you in a much better position than many women in a divorce. I think you could get either of the properties. (or both and let him look for some other place) Real estate might be hard to sell if you needed cash though, so he still needs to cover the other expenses.
Watch 1 st Wives Club. It will help you. You need to get your needs, and the kids needs covered.
Any extra you get is the screwing he gets, for the screwing (cheating) he got.

Use your own lawyer too. You need somebody that knows the system inside out protecting your interests. Getting the divorce official while he is feeling guilty is probably smart. Make sure he is legally responsible for :

child support - paying through the court is best, in case he ever tries to squirm out of it.
Life insurance policy on him with you and the kids as beneficiaries
the children's medical insurance and all deductibles, co-pays & expenses that are not covered by it
your medical insurance, since you have to stay healthy for the kids
schooling expenses- including college tuition till they are 25.
alimony
mortgage, electric, phone, oil/firewood, water, trash, all the normal bills, etc.
Credit cards paid off- then start fresh in your name. Don't ever run them up high, but getting a good credit history is a help.
job training, licensing fees, uniforms, any expenses for you to go back into the work force
(Sorry- but this needs said) - Dr expenses for you to get tested for std's since he was going behind your back. Women don't always show symptoms, but you need to know you are safe. Tell the Dr he cheated, and you want tested for everything.
The court cost and lawyers fees for both sides! You wouldn't need a lawyer either if he hadn't decided he wanted out, so it is his job to pay for it.

A good lawyer may think of things I didn't know to tell you. This sounds like alot, but if he was raising them with you, they would be normal expenses. Him changing his mind doesn't take the responsibility away. You deserve better than this, but at least make sure you are able to get by fine without him.

Go read you old journal entries if you have a weak moment and start thinking about living with, or near his parents. You weren't happy then and it would be worse now. Living around them would also be a daily reminder of him when you need to be able to move on.
When you have moments where you need to release some anger over what he did- they are not the people to do it with. Because sooner or later, they will start missing their boy and feeling more forgiving of him. Then they would be stuck in the middle and find some excuse to get mad at you.
They love you, but let them wish you were in their lives more- instead of feeling like you're in the way of having a relationship with their son. It will remind them their son was a jerk, but you'll still look good. You can visit them once in a while so they can see the grandkids, or let them visit you, but don't live there.

If you are attached to the 1 acre because it was your families land - don't let him have it. Many people regret selling land that was in the family later, so be careful. If you want to sell it- he can buy it from you at full market value. Remember he may move that girl in wherever he lives- so make him PAY if he gets it.
That 10 acre property sounds like it was important to you, but would it be easy to start over living up there? You said once that you knew somebody that really wanted it. Maybe you could sell it to them, and get property that's easier to farm/homestead if you wanted to. It's a buyers market if you have CASH $. You might see a place that's just right, or make one of your properties fit your needs better.

 

[Rebbetzin]

One principle my husband teaches is...

Do not make life changing decisions in the midst of a storm.

Let the dust settle, think carefully about the options that are before you. PRAY.

Our ways are seldom HIS ways in any situation.

 

[Dawn419]

One principle my husband teaches is...

Do not make life changing decisions in the midst of a storm.

Let the dust settle, think carefully about the options that are before you. PRAY.

Our ways are seldom HIS ways in any situation.

Wise words!

 

[calendula]

I have gone through something similar, and you sound like a strong person, so I know you will get through this. My ex left me for an 18 year old girl when I was 7 months pregnant with our second son. The big difference between my situation and yours was that he couldn't hold a job, and if he did have one, it was only paying minimum wage. So, I never got child support (and still don't), but it's not like his 30 dollars a week made a huge difference anyway.

I had to work full time, the kids were with a sitter, which was hard, but I kept my independence and my home. I had to get govt. aid: food stamps, health insurance, etc... But, as someone else said earlier, I found that I LOVED being single! Just me and my boys, after I got over the initial heartbreak, living together on our own were really some great times. I got to do the things that I wanted to do. I planted a big garden, started cooking from scratch more, and eventually went back to college and got an associates degree. I'd have to say that being apart from my ex really spurred my desire to be more SS, and allowed me to find out who I really was.

Like others said, I don't think it's a good idea to live with the ex in-laws. My ex's Mom was on "my side" during the break up, but of course things are different now. She has forgiven him, and I haven't seen her in years. No matter what they say now, things change.

Wishing you the best of luck and just take it in "baby steps"

 

[freemotion]

I suspect your wanting to move in with his parents is about your fear of being on your own....perfectly understandable. But.....it is time for you to do this. You WILL get used to it and will start to enjoy the freedom, too, especially as the kids get older and can do more chores. Get them doing chores NOW even though they are young so it won't be a battle later when you need that teenager to shovel the driveway (wait...do you get snow??? How about weed the garden instead? )

If he is making 70k and you are used to living on 20-30k, no need for you to jump into the work force right away. See if you can stay with the kids until they are all in school, then get a job while they are in school....with your ss skills, you won't need much, just get your toe in the working water in case he loses his job.

Or, after you get settled, look into making money from home....I'm discovering that making soap can be rather lucrative!

 

[BeccaOH]

I looked on past bills to see when the texts started. He started texting her two weeks ago on July 4 th. Before that her number never showed up. I asked him about her. She has no kids and is a truck driver like him. I want to get everything drawn up while he is still feeling guilty and generous.

I hate to see families break up. Except for special cases like abifae mentioned, I have never seen a divorce that is beneficial to the kids.

July 4th you say. Two weeks is not a long time to be in a relationship with someone. He is still basking in the newness and thrill of this new friend. Heck, we don't even know if he has even kissed her yet!

Sounds like he doesn't want counseling because he has hopes of life being greener on the other side. He needs a serious reality check.

You are getting good advice here. Do protect yourself and the children, but as Rebbetzin said, don't act too hastily in the the midst of a the storm. Pray through it and see how things settle.

 

[justusnak]

I am just now catching up on all this, and my mind is spinning. I am so sorry you are going through all this. Just remember......when the Lord closes one door, He opens a window to a better view! This will be hard, no doubt, and there will be times when you think you can't do it all..but hold your head up high...stay strong...and always Pray!! I have to echo what others are saying about moving in with the In-Laws. Think twice, hell, think three or four times about it. Hasty ideas seldom work out. I will be praying for you..and the kids.

 

[rebecca100]

This morning I got up with two black and saggy bloodshot eyes after a second night with no sleep and 2 days not eating fighting with what has happened. I went through anger so strong (I probably shouldn't say this) that I wanted to hurt him. I read all about that woman on her Facebook and wondered how he could change from the loving devoted father and husband he had always been to a cheating liar which was something he had always despised because he grew up in it. I sat down with the kids and we prayed. We prayed for strength for ourselves and we prayed for him. He wanted to see a lawyer today and we had an appt at 10 to see one. Well actually I had the appt but I invited him along so he could tell her what he told me. I had sent him some angry hurtful email during the night. Then this morning I prayed several times. When he came I didn't apologize for the emails because hurtful as they were they were true. I did tell him that I was not as angry anymore and that I had made a decision. He was MY husband, we were brought together and swore through better or worse. He had been a good person, a good daddy, and a good husband for many years. I didn't know what was wrong, but I wasn't going to just give up and let him go. I was going to fight for him and no matter what happens I will love him and if he decided he wants his family back we will welcome him with open arms. I also was not going to sign any divorce until my heart told me it was time and right now my heart was telling me this was all wrong. Telling him that brought so much peace to me. He finally broke down crying. He lost the attitude and distantness he had been wearing. He said he didn't know what was wrong with him. There was an emptiness he just couldn't seem to fill. Today the kids and I spent some time with him and he slept in the camper again. I don't by any means think this is all over, but today we got some peace in a time that confusion and weakness I will be the strength for both of us until whatever happens is done. I told him that. He hugged me and cried and told me he loved me. He has not slept with her. He couldn't bring himself to do it. He still wants to be away for a while and I think at this point that may be exactly what is needed for him to work his issues out without us. I we will continue to pray for him and I would appreciate it If you would too.

 

[sunsaver]

I think he is going through his mid-life crisis. All of us guys do at some point. Mine happened at only age 28. A friend of mine was all set to leave his wife for a younger woman that he barely knew. I managed to talk him down from the ledge, and they are both quite happy now. I will pray that your man sees the light before he finds himself miserable and paying child support. Divorce is worse than death. I know this from experience.