Bee~ Journal of then...

[justusnak]

Bee, WELL SAID! I agree whole heartedly. I wasn't a "single mom" but just about. My hubby was in the Air Force, and gone ALOT. So I mostly raised 4 kids, and we all survived the teens. 3 out of 4 are outstanding citizens...not sure what happened to the 4th. :/ NOTHING GOOD comes from " just getting through it" It IS hard work...continuos leading. You quoted some greatness from the Bible...words we all lived by here. Being in the military..we were "expected" to have.. "Military brats" Well, not mine! I wouldn't have it...I wirked hard to make sure of it. I always kept the lines of communication open to my kids, we talked about thier good, bad and fears. Talking DOES work...but...so does a good whoop on the behind when needed. I too get tired of hearing....." Boys will be boys" or " its a teen thing" What a cop out! Kids will be...what they are raised and taught to be. Its a shame that our society has become afraid of our teenagers. I wont be intimidated by a mouthy teen. Let me tell you a little story....
My son had a friend..who was let to "be a teen" He came to our house one day and was in a particular bad mood...being mouthy to me! So, I finally told him, either you change your attitude, or I will change it for ya. He smirked at me and said..." you can't touch me, I will call the law" HA! I told him, you go right ahead...because after I beat the snot out of you, and BEFORE the law gets here...I will be sitting on my front porch crying...and when the law gets here, and I run up to them playing the " I have been attacked by yet another "bad teen" and I was defending myself" to them...who do YOU think they are going to believe?? A woman in her mid 30's or a teen with a record? He just sat there...and finally said... You are not right! Thats mean! I said...look here sweetie...these days, its survival of the fittest...and I plan to survive. NOW, change your attitude. He did..and was polite from then on out whenever he came to our home.

 

[Farmfresh]

Wooo HOOO!

You preach it sister!

I have 2 out of three that are GREAT people all around. (The middle child - well ... she was a full fledged ADULT and moved out on her own BEFORE she lost HER mind.)

They were good teenagers as well. People used to give us the "got lucky" crap too.

People reject Christ and his teachings, they never give their children any direction in right and wrong and then they wonder WHY their teens are wild. Amazing!

Like I mentioned in another thread if they can't control them when they are 2 or 3 - why do they think things will be OK when they are teens? Heck. Adults don't even control THEMSELVES these days. It all boils down to freedom of choice. People CAN CHOOSE the narrow hard working way that is what God prescribes or the easy wide path straight to H___.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

Tiptoeing out of this journal......because I was a mouthy teen full of attitude...but I had a right!



ETA: to this day my Mother still gets on my nerves. I don't spoil my kids, and I hope mine won't feel they need to be mouthy as teens, but in the house I grew up in, it was eat or be eaten.

 

[Farmfresh]

Oh Quail ... ME TOO!

I am sure I was nearly impossible to live with as a teen.

My mom did LOTS of stuff wrong and my dad did little (by way of us kids) at all.

I never went to church (occasionally Easter) until I was taken by my good friend. I was into the occult. I ran the neighborhood and pretty much did as I pleased. (Fortunately most of my running was via horseback. Yes - in the city. I think THAT alone probably kept me out of more trouble). I was ignored and mentally abused. I was hard, and bitter and mean. My grandma was the only source of nurturing that I had. I was raised by her and my animals. (which fortunately are great parents!)

Christ really and truly SAVED me. He gave me a Christian friend who got me to church and a Christian hubby, who came along when I needed him the most at 15 years old! Then he opened my eyes to see that life did not have to be like it was for me!

Hubby and I did things far different from the way my parents did. Even though my mother used to actually ridicule us for the differences! Things like a family meal, and bedtimes for the children or controlling what they watched on TV were mocked. We stuck to our beliefs and it was the right thing to do.

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

I was raised in a Christain home. For a couple years there, I was the only one going to Church as my mom as we got older let us choose to go or not...Until she married her current husband...then we were all made to attend church "as a family" except for his precious 16 year old princess. I love my step sister, and to be honest, she is a REAL example of my step dad getting lucky, because she was given everything she wanted, would scold her dad for not giving her her own way, etc. Now she's this beautiful person with two beautiful babies.

She always says I can call and talk etc but we never do. Neither do my brothers.

My mom keeps changing her "ideals on what the Bible means" and IMO gets weirder every year. A few years ago she decided God and the Bible intends for her to wear a prayer veil, and that her head should be covered anytime she talks to God. No problemo, several people believe that. MY issue was she made my little sis do the same, and my sis came and told MY DAUGHTER that she would be going to hell if she didn't wear one, and then as a b-day present gave my daughter a head covering (didn't ask me first, either.)

As a kid, my mom stayed with the man who molested me for TWO YEARS even though she KNEW what he'd done..at one point making my brothers and me live alone with that man for 3 months!!!!! Her reasoning? She was trying to finish college and she wasn't sure how to get away from him. I remember begging her to let me stay with her. She says when I did that, she did bring us kids to stay with her. I vaguely remember moving into a duplex (the one that man burned down) but I vividly remember the 3 months with him in Southern Ohio in a Farm house with no heat in the middle of winter.

So you betcha, I had a lot a lot a lot of anger...and I'd be lying if I said I didn't still struggle with it. Forgiving is also work sometimes. Yes, I forgave my mom, but it still hurt and forgiving someone doesn't mean you automatically forget it all.

She had made a promise to us kids after that...if she ever met a man that wanted to marry her she'd make sure she dated him for no less than a year before getting engaged.

Not long after she met my step dad via personal ad. They maybe dated a month? Got engaged on Valentine's day, Married that same year in October.

Oh so mom broke yet another promise to us kids! GO FIGURE! So yea, at that point I was 14, and yes, I was ANGRY.

Mom did run a tight ship. We were disciplined. We were taught to respect our elders, weren't allowed to call them by first names, etc. But MOM did a lot to hurt us as kids...and she told us "Mom's always right, and we're not to question her even if she's dead wrong, because she's mom."

She's been married to step dad for 16 years now, has two kids with him, and you'd think that they were the whole family in it's entirety.

On Mother's Day we don't get to see mom, because they've planned a "private family celebration". Us grown children are now the "extended family" and rank up there with grandparents and aunts and uncles. That started while we were still teens in the home.

Mom and SD would take family vacations...but us kids were left at home!! OH they took the baby they had together, but the rest of us were parcelled out to friends and family until they got back.

At one point, My mom had actually asked Ernie's parents to adopt me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was 16 at the time. She later denied she ever said that, but considering Ernie, both of his parents, and I were sitting right there when she said it......

So yea, I was an Angry, mouthy, back talking teen who felt that there was a lot of injustice in the world...and I vowed that my kids would never experience the things I experienced and they would ALL have the same Dad no matter what. Period.

Divorce isn't even an option for me, no matter if I get mad at him, disagree, am unhappy, etc. Nothing nothing nothing on this earth, bar an act of God, will force me to ever break my kids away from their father. Nothing.

(disclaimer: that might have not been my standing if I had an abuser for a husband. I don't believe in staying if there is abuse.)

 

[Farmfresh]

See Quail... you had your reasons.

No shame in that. I have seen a LOT of very angry children ... most were angry for the right reasons. Also you have done your best, like Bee, I and several others here NOT to repeat mistakes for YOUR kids. I bit the bullet, so to speak, so my children had better lives. So have you.

Divorce is NOT an option with me either and my hubby knows it. I told him long ago, "This marriage is till death do we part!" ... if he messes up I kill him!

 

[Quail_Antwerp]

.. if he messes up I kill him!

I sorta said the same to mine....except it was more of "If you mess up, sleep with one eye open."

 

[lorihadams]

I think we all had our moments as teens. I was moody, depressed, and desperately wanting to get away from my mother. She is very controlling and is prone to guilt based fits of manipulation.....still is, my DH hates that about her. She would never let me go out, she says she would but I was there and I never got to go anywhere except volleyball practice/games and study groups. I never dated until after I graduated. I was abused by a friend in high school, still haven't recovered from that one. I have a lot of history of mental abuse in my family, dad was an alcoholic (recovered now and devout christian, in fact a deacon at the church), lost both natural grandfathers to alcoholism, brother who is a recovering drug addict because he tried everything to escape my mom, it was crazy and we still have issues from it.

I hope that my children never have to deal with that. We try to be very loving but firm. We want to raise our children to be kind loving giving people that are respectful of themselves and others. It is a lot of work and mine are only 2 and 4! I think that is one reason that I want to homeschool them, to keep them away from all the crap that goes on in public school. I don't want to isolate them, we plan to let them do sports, music, 4-H, etc. I want them to have friends but so many kids fall through the cracks and end up getting influenced by the wrong people in public schools. I just hope that I have the strength to keep them focused on being good people, even when they're moody!

 

[noobiechickenlady]

I was never allowed to be a moody, mouthy, grumpy teen girl and so it just never happened. I have never allowed my children to be moody, mouthy, grumpy and disrespectful either and so it just never happened. We actually really enjoy each other's company and always have.

AMEN SISTER!!!

There is a very good manual that tells how to raise a human being, after all we are not raising children, but men and women.

Again I say AMEN!

My kids didn't have "the terrible twos, threes or whatever" because I didn't let them! Its so wild how DH and I will talk about a subject, then I hop on here and its being discussed (or ranted about ). Yes, we have had the battles of wills with DKs, but they now know that DH & I have MUCH stronger wills than they do. They are not allowed to be in bad moods and take it out on the family. If you are in a bad mood, come here, I'll give you a hug, now go sit somewhere you can't be bothered and don't bother anyone else. Those bad moods don't last very long

I love watching my friend's "terrible" kids. I never have a problem with any of them. They know "Aunt Tab" will not put up with any of the mess their parents let them get away with.
No, you will not drink soda, no, you will not talk back to me, no, you will not bash on each other, no, you cannot turn backflips off the trampoline into the pool, no, you will not dump the bookshelf over, no, you will NOT chase my chickens!
Yes, you may help me make cookies. Yes, you may feed the chickens some corn. Yes, you may read that book. Yes, you may go in the backyard & look for worms. Yes, you may make yourself a sandwich. And thank you for cleaning up your mess
What you expect from them makes all the difference in the world in how kids act. If you expect them to be brats, they will be. If you expect them to be well behaved, for the most part, they will be.

 

[Farmfresh]

"And thank you for cleaning up your mess"



I always say please and thank you to my kids (at least I try). They say please and thank you to others. Being polite should be second nature. Kids talk to others like they are spoken to (or cussed at). To learn respect you have to be given respect.

I treat my DOGS better than some kids are treated. Sometimes I even catch myself saying "Excuse me." to the dog!