Bee's Guest House

[dragonlaurel]

I hope that we can all end up having a few real friends. Acquaintances and users are easy to find, but real friends are worth a mint.
My best friend is in Fla and I still miss him lots. We did all kinds of big and little favors for each other and considered each other family. He actually moved into my old neighborhood, so we could hang out easier. I moved out of state to get married, nearly 2 years ago and was so ready to leave Fla, but miss him and some other good friends lots.

 

[lorihadams]

I have been the kind of person that never really has "true friends". I have lots of acquaintances but never friends that are there for me unconditionally. My whole life I have always had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move forward. Thank god for therapists, huh?

We have taken orders for 25 meat chickens this year and out of the 5 people that ordered we only had one request to help us so they could learn how to do it for themselves. People have gotten lazy. I have my bouts of laziness, we all do, but society has just gotten to the point that if it is not fast and cheap and effortless then it is not acceptable.

I don't fry chicken, btw, but that's cause I suck at frying stuff. I managed to fry up some okra last night and not burn the house down....

 

[Beekissed]

Bee, this is not a criticism, so please don't take it that way....It sounds like you are a giver and a fixer (like me) and exclusively pick up project people. I never saw that in myself until I hosted a couple who stayed at my apartment for a weekend many years ago. They were a bit older than I was and we knew many people in common, although we were not close friends at the time. I confided in them something that happened, when I helped someone we knew in common and she totally walked all over me. I was VERY hurt at the time. It seemed to come out of nowhere.

They sat me down and explained the difference between a friend and a project. It took me a few more years of observing, but it was a major moment in my life. I can now help people and can also tell who will be a friend and who is a project. Now I rarely have that resentment when I discover I've been used and taken advantage of. When it happens, it is very minor. I've learned what to give and how to "put out feelers" to see who is deserving of more of me. Some people are professional users and are really, really good at pretending to be in crisis and seem sincere. They know who to target and how far they can push. Some do it consciously, many do it unconsciously, sincerely believing that their circumstances are truly beyond their control.

Give a man a fish, or teach him to fish....

I have a new friend/project who is like this. Notice how I worded that. She is not a user, she is a giver. She is only a project in that I hope to help her see the difference. She helps people NON-STOP. When she was in need last year, NO ONE came to her side. I found out and arranged for some of my friends, strangers to her, to come help. She was very impressed. I tried to explain what a balanced friendship is....it is a concept that takes some time to wrap ones' brain around sometimes. It sure took me a while. But I feel that now I can be TRULY helpful, whereas before, I put a bandaid on, sometimes (often) where none was needed and it actually impeded healing.

Am I making sense?

You are making perfect sense!!! And I never really thought of it that way...but you are correct. The only people who I seem to collect are needy people.

Even the men in my life have all been extremely needy...not givers, not mighty oaks upon which to lean, but clinging vines to suck out your life resources until you are dead and then move on to prey upon another.

Its not that I grow weary in helping others...I simply LOVE to be of need to someone. Its what I am good at and I don't find it too much work or a waste of my time. What else should a person be doing that is better?

BUT...and here comes the addendum. Just like your friend, I occasionally find myself in need for something and, for some reason, no matter how many times it happens, am always shocked when my projects can't see that I am human too...that I need help sometimes too.

This week I had transportation issues as my truck has been in the shop for 2 wks. The person that I should have been able to count on, the one that I bend over backwards for and shell out money like corn chips to, the one I have given succor and a home to for this past year, the only one that didn't need their own vehicle for anything at all....just could not see their way through to letting me use theirs for a few days to get to work.

No excuse other than " I just want to go ______ and you'll have to find something else. Maybe a rental."

Nice. :/

Lessons learned are not soon forgotten. Yes, I will continue to help these project people, but I have learned, on an individual basis, who to trust with my heart. This person has burned that major organ for the very last time. I can now recognize this person as merely a project and not a trusted friend.

Thank you, Free, for that very valuable insight. I knew that I had been measuring people as projects or friends for some time but I just hadn't applied that to family members before and I hadn't used the same terminology.

Sight can sometimes be a painful thing but I much prefer it to being blind.

 

[Javamama]

I can count my true friends on one hand, and that's counting my hubby. Those people would drop everything if I needed them, but none live close enough for regular visits. I have been hoping to find someone who lives close to me that wants to be more than the aforementioned "project" I have developed project people radar too.
I do have one friend who is a true friend but is also a project. She gives and gives, but gets herself into the darndest circumstances and I can only take so much of it and she knows it and it's OK.
My problem is that I'm usually the person in the friendship who has the stable life, stable income, stable husband, stable kids, etc. and nobody knows what to do with a person who isn't totally falling apart in this world. So I give support until I burn out and just pray for conversation that isn't 100% about the other person.
But I do have faith that God will bring someone into my life if and when I need it.
Hubby and I have been wanting another couple to hang with but we haven't found them yet. Granted, our lifestyle is very, very different than most. We keep farmer's hours. Most people are just getting started when we are winding down at night. We eat supper at 4:30 pm. We have to be home to take care of the animals.
Enough rambling. I understand your frustration Bee

 

[Beekissed]

nobody knows what to do with a person who isn't totally falling apart in this world. So I give support until I burn out and just pray for conversation that isn't 100% about the other person.

Oh, Java, how I can relate to this statement! People seem drawn to me because I am cheerful, layed back, don't have the common stressors in this world. I think they want to find out the magic formula that keeps one so calm in this hectic world....but they don't really want to know.

They seem to want to absorb what you have or exude but they don't want to make changes of any kind to have their own peace and calm.

Its strange to me, but the old addage of "everyone wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die" is incredibly true. Everyone says they want calm, peace, happiness, freedom from common stressors....but they "just couldn't live that way" when I tell them how I manage to keep a relative level of peace and joy in my life.

What Farm and Free describe about people having financial stress but not wanting to adjust their lifestyles to get rid of it, is so pervasive that its like everyone is drinking the Kool-Aid.

 

[Javamama]

So how's this for coincidence - one of my favorite friends who is so much like me - just stopped in to see the goats and me. She was in town getting her car fixed and called to see if she could come by. Nobody else has expressed any interest at all in coming to see our new additions, not even family. Thanks to God, I so needed that! ...now I pray You bless my SS friends

 

[Beekissed]

I've come to believe there are no such things as coincidence! So glad you had a friendly visit!

 

[Blackbird]

I have been the kind of person that never really has "true friends". I have lots of acquaintances but never friends that are there for me unconditionally. My whole life I have always had to pull myself up by the bootstraps and move forward.

I can definitely relate to this. In 'real life' face to face, I have only ever had one person to rely on, and that is my mom. And she has faltered at times, but even then she can often be counted on, even though she has never had anyone not even her family that she can turn to. Hopefully I can be a person for her to rely on though.
Any friends that I have had in person only had a use for me when it came to getting something from me, and now I have no face to face friends. LOL.

I do, however, have three very good friends online that know me as who I am, though I'm slowly realized that one doesn't necessarily see me in the same sense, and that hurts.

I think if we knew each other in person we could all accumulate some great friendships, but until then,

 

[Beekissed]

BB, I truly believe that it was easier to make friends in the era when I grew up and same with years earlier. People used to need each other more for things....there weren't computers, cell phones, video games and 500 channels to watch on TV.

Kids didn't have cars of their own..at least where I lived they didn't. They used to have to use one of their parent's cars to get around and that was usually only to ball games and after school jobs.

People grew up knowing that your friend was your social, entertainment and companionship opportunity and this was to be cherished. Time was spent fostering friendships, people stayed all night and had slumber parties, cook outs, went bike riding...you name it, if you did it, it was done with another human being of your own age.

I had so many friends in school and we really shared our feelings, our hopes and dreams and we couldn't wait to spend time together. There were no distractions or other things more enjoyable than being friends and doing what friends do.

Now? Well...now friends are all sitting behind computer screens, TV screens, iPods, cell phones. You won't find a group of neighborhood kids playing a pickup game of softball, football, tag or hide and seek~all things we did clear up into our teens and beyond. It was fun and thrilling and you felt like living, running, jumping, climbing and laughing back then.

You were just born into the wrong time~ and my lifetime has extended into the wrong time~ for friendships, trust, and honor.

 

[Blackbird]

I can't say I disagree with most of that.
There is a play-ground at the side of this apartment. I seen three little kids playing on a picnic table but otherwise I don't think I've seen anyone out there. Heck sometimes I think I should go out and play on it, but that might be a little odd.

The only activity is vehicles driving in and out of the complexes. You can look out the window at any given time and almost always see someone driving by. I think that is what people do for fun now.