Lorihadams-- hi guys...been busy!

[Bettacreek]

Having bi-polar disorder, I have my off weeks. I'm usually a sex maniac, but sometimes I just cannot get into the mood no matter what. I don't do it myself and really don't want to do it with anyone else either. Like you, it has nothing to do with the man I'm with, it doesn't mean I am no longer interested in my partner and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm having sex with anyone else. I had major issues with my ex-husband with this. He swore up and down that I was cheating on him when I had an "off" week or month. Ironically enough, I was never allowed to leave home, not even to go eat dinner with my sister, so I'm not sure when he supposed I was sneaking out to have sex with someone else. It was all just a part of the bi-polar. Thankfully I have been trying to keep the bi-polar under control and haven't had this issue with the boyfriend. Thankfully he's also not like most guys, and sex really isn't a big issue to him. He'll give it up any time I want when I'm in my usual sex maniac mood, but doesn't push it in the least when I'm not, which with the bi-polar semi-maintained, is only on rare occasions when I'm just run down and too tired to want sex, lol.
As someone else had said, I would try to make sure he got enough to keep him satisfied, even if you have to lube up and pretend (but just a little) to get into it. I know my ex boyfriend and I had issues. He was another one who wasn't really into sex. I might have gotten it twice when I wanted it and was in the mood, and the rest of the time he would reject me and only have sex when it was his idea. Being on both sides of the coin, it totally sucks for both involved. On your side, you're probably feeling like, well, you're not in the mood, why should he push you into it and make you feel like crap because you simply can't get into the mood, which isn't your fault and there's nothing you can do to change it. On his side, he's feeling rejected and unsatisfied. Believe me, sex is about a lot more than just getting your rocks off. It's about the connection. I think it has a lot to do with the hormones released by both partners, but I've never actually researched that. I can do it myself and have an absolutely amazing orgasm. I can have sex with a partner that I love but who totally sucks at sex, yet still feel better after an orgasmless love-making session than a totally amazing orgasm by myself.
One thing, if you're really not in the mood, and want to keep it as short as possible, if you have texting, I'd start while he's still at work. Send the most risque texts and maybe even pictures you can possibly come up with. That'll have him so freaking horny by the time he gets home that even a guy who takes 45 minutes to get off will get off in five. If you're not against it, let him watch porn while you play around a bit. It still won't be great for you, but it'll help him. I haven't read the whole situation, so if I'm repeating anything, I apologize, lol. Also, if you have any issues with depression, definately try some St. John's wort tea, that will boost you and help out with the sex situation.
Wow, this is a huge post all about sex. Who'da thunk it?

 

[TanksHill]

I'm sorry Lori.

 

[lorihadams]

I have a post all about my sex issues in natural remedies.....my sex drive has gone to nonexistent in the last 10 years....we've been together for 11. I know he feels rejected and laying there and taking it is hard for me as a former rape/abuse victim. I even told him last night that I would "just lay here and take it like a good girl". He wants me to be into it. I'm not.

I try but it almost makes me nauseous sometimes. It hurts. It makes me feel like I have to pee (thank you to my 2 beautiful children for that). It feels like sandpaper or an indian ropeburn. No amount of lube can make it feel any better. ON the flip side, sometimes I don't feel anything at all. No tingles, no sensations, no nothing. He tried to kiss my breasts yesterday and all I wanted to do was put my arms over them and tell him to stop.

I try to be attentive and emotionally there for him but it always turns back into a sex thing. He wants me to hug and kiss him and spend time with him or cuddle but all I want to do is read a book or go to sleep.

I never think about sex. I haven't had an orgasm in 8 years....not even by myself.

For him it is about the emotional connection but with ZERO interest it is hard to give him that without him expecting more ALL THE TIME. If I am attentive with him and then don't want sex later he accuses me of teasing him when I was trying to do what he wanted. I don't know what happened last night, I just snapped.

 

[MorelCabin]

Have you truly forgiven your abuser? There is freedom in forgiveness

Here's a link to a book I read that really really helped me with some very big issues.
http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Forgiveness-David-Augsburger/dp/0802428843

 

[murphysranch]

Have you truly forgiven your abuser? There is freedom in forgiveness

Excellent point, MC.

 

[lorihadams]

I don't know....abusers....that's plural. I don't know if I have ever had a "normal" relationship with anybody.

I have a lot of baggage. I got to the point that I could enjoy sex, the first year my husband and I were together we were great. Then I started getting sick, hurting all over, tired all the time, then it was painful, 2 surgeries for endometriosis, then 2 back to back pregnancies with 13 months of breastfeeding for each child, then hurting again.

I'm so sick of doctors telling me "I don't know" that I don't even want to see the inside of a doctors office anymore. I've even stopped taking my children to the doctor unless there is something seriously up that needs attention. My OB just keeps telling me that it is all in my head but how is pain all in my head? It either hurts or it doesn't right?

I try to relax but I just can't cause I know it's gonna hurt, and it does. I try to focus on something positive, we've tried lotions, potions, and toys. We've tried porn but that just makes me laugh or grosses me out. I'm just not interested. No matter how much I try, it's just not there.

 

[MorelCabin]

Your body reacts physically to years of pent up stresses, anger and hurt. What you are experiencing is pretty much on par with what is going on inside with your emotions. It does often result in physical pain.
Work on forgiveness Lori. Start by just telling God you forgive them every day, even if you are up and down about it. Eventually you will feel that you really have forgiven them
I will be praying for you Lori, praying for healing for both your mind and your body.

 

[AL]

I, too, had multiple abusers - 6 by the time I was 15- then raped as a 23yr old. Is it ok if I ask if you have ever had counseling?
With extensive histories like ours, your body can "remember" pain and therefore, it hurts. There are books about how a hubby can take smaller steps and help with relaxation and easing the stress / physical pain.

Sorry it is such a tough time for you....

 

[freemotion]

If your OB says it is all in your head, get a new OB. Better yet, find a naturopath who works with this type of problem, and work with both docs and both approaches at the same time. The MD can order tests that the insurance will pay for, and a lot of the tests that the ND orders you will have to pay out of pocket. So working with both....I've found that if I ask my MD to order a certain test, he/she will if it has ANYTHING remotely to do with my complaints.

If you had a great sex life at one time, my suspicion is that it is more physically based. I may have asked this before...are you off all soy, and do you take supplements? A good ND can guide you with this. You are most likely very depleted, like most Americans, because our food supply is depleted and we are misguided as to what is healthy food and what is not. If you don't have the proper building blocks, you cannot make the proper hormones. Pregnancies will favor the fetus, and mom will become even more depleted.

As for forgiveness, well, I have what seems to be an unpopular opinion on that one when it comes to past abuse. I feel that letting go and not allowing the past to still control you and have power over your life is important, and generally takes some help and guidance from a good counselor....one that doesn't just listen to re-hashing of old events, but points you forward in your life. Mankind's Search for Meaning by psychiatrist and concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl is a great place to start this process. Helping other survivors of abuse is also very healing, once you get to a certain point yourself.

Forgiveness, IMO, is for people who are sorry for what they've done. Most abusers don't even acknowledge any wrongdoing and continue abusing, if not you, then whoever happens to be in their control at the moment. Forgiving someone who is evil and continues to be evil doesn't make sense to me. Letting go and taking control and power of one's own life makes sense.

Biblically, God doesn't forgive unrepentant wrongdoers. I mean people who purposely and knowingly and repeatedly commit sins, not mistakes due to imperfection. People who don't respond to correction. I've yet to meet a repentant predator. Maybe they are out there, but I haven't seen one. Given the chance to do it all over....they would do the same horrible things.

Off my soapbox now. Sorry if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to. I've worked with many abuse victims over the years. Some become highly functioning adults with happy relationships. All of us have that power. Much of popular thinking is dis-empowering, and it makes me sad. Everyone would benefit from reading and rereading Frankl's little book.

 

[MorelCabin]

Well I have a different take on it all :>)
I was molested a couple of times as a young child, and then raped at 15, which is how I lost my virginity to a 25 year old guy.
Growing up as a preachers kid and being told that virginity was EVERYTHING and a man wouldn't ever marry a woman who wasn't a virgine, well, losing it hit me really hard...considering I knew who I wanted to marry already and figured that there was no chance after what happened...
Anyway, I went through some very tribulant years, never told anyone what had happened.

But you know I have forgiven the guy, it did free me completely. What he is doing now, I have no idea...I hope he is a Christian and has changed his ways. If I ever ran into him in a church I would be very happy about it, to be honest and would probably welcome him with a big hug.
If he is still the same guy he was back then, well, at least my part is dealt with, put behind me, and my life is free of the anger resentment and hurt that he left behind and that almost destroyed me.
My Bible says to forgive 70 x 7...and it seems to work quite well for me. It doesn't make me the weaker one, it makes me so much stronger!

Oh, and the man I wanted to marry...haha...glad that was kaboshed...I married the best man for me, and I didn't even know him back then. That other guy is a drunken thieving, jailbird these days...but Ohhhh, is he a sweet talking looker :>) Thank God he had other plans!