Lorihadams-- hi guys...been busy!

[Bettacreek]

I have to agree with Free. If you had issues the entire relationship, that would be one thing, but I really feel that since you HAD good sex after the abuse, that it's not truely about that. I could obviously be wrong. I'm no expert in any way, shape or form. I also have to agree about "forgiving" the abusers. Maybe because I'm not religious and don't understand all that kind of thing. IMHO, if they should be forgiven it should be by your god, not really by you. Not that I think you should dwell on it, but I just think it seems silly to forgive someone who intentionally did something like that to you. I don't really see it as healing yourself either. You can be free from the stress and agony without forgiving the ones who did it to you. I'd still like to pop the two ex's who did it to me square in the mouth, but I'm pretty well comfortable with sex/relationships and past experiences really don't effect what I have going for me now.
I'll have to actually go back and read your posts before I make a bunch of other random comments that will probably just frustrate you for having to repeat yourself to some idiot who can't take the time to go back and read what you've already written...

 

[AL]

Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
FM wrote

I feel that letting go and not allowing the past to still control you and have power over your life is important,

That is kind of how I would define forgiveness... it isn't for the benefit of the abuser, but for the abused. It doesn't say what happened is ok, it is saying it doesn't hold you in a bitter frightened heap anymore.


That said - counseling has helped me tons. The delay in effects could very well be physical, and I agree that any doctor that says "it's all in your head" deserves you getting a 2nd opinion. The delay can also be triggered memories.

No matter what, you deserve respect for your feelings and your body.... you have had enough experience with being treated otherwise.

 

[hillfarm]

Wow. I didn't realize this happened to you. I was assualted as a teen. I say this not trying to shock anyone, so you may not want to read on if you feel you will be offended. But I was raped with guns and other weapons. By several men, while being tied down and drugged. I was raped in every orifice, without protection and this went on for a full week before Iwas able to sneak to a phone and call a friend to come get me. I was 15, and weighed 90 lbs. I had brutal tears, my children were delivered c-section later on because my doc worried i would rip during childbirth and the scar tissue was so bad. I was too afraid to press charges. And when I had the nerve 15 years after, they told me the statue of limitations had expired.

No human deserved what I endured. But just because it happens, it doesnt have to define us. It changed me in ways I may never fully grasp. I know I still won't ever feel safe if I get skinny again. So I keep the extra weight to be less attractive. My thinking deep down, is they don't rape fat girls. Stupid. I know. But thats my mental baggage.

As far as relationships, I looked for very wimpy guys, one's I could take if I had to. Again, silly, but I wasnt gonna be controlled like that. I took me 15 years to realize what I was doing. I went single and without for many years dealing with my issues. It made a huge difference. I then married my current husband. Let's say its about as close to perfect as it gets. Sex is good, respect is amazingly good.

My point in sharing is to say, sometimes we need to spend time healing our souls before we can share them with another. You may have some pretty scarey walls up. YOu may really be hurting from the pain and previous injuries. My first husband was unable to get near me without me truley have spastic contractions of my anus. It was diagnosed as a spastic colon. DOn't have that problem with current hub. It was remembered trauma and the fear of being hurt again. I didn't trust my ex to be careful with my body.

I really do suggest counseling. It helps. Sometimes we need to hear the truth of what really happened from our own mouths in front of someone who is not judging you. You were a victim, but you do not have to continue to be.

Your husband is probably a pretty great guy. He is prob. frustrated. Do this for your family. Speaking the truth out loud makes it so much less powerful. A wound wont heal as long as the splinter is still inside.

YOU did nothing to be ashamed of. And your hub prob wants to protect and care for you, trust in his commitment to you and the kids and open up.

Not trying to preach, sorry for the long graphic post. Just wanted you to know, you are feeling normal things. The pain is real, it may have psychological roots, but when someone does what rapist do to a body, well the body doesnt easily forget.

I threw up a lot after sex too. I would get the drugged nauseated feeling I had when I was drugged during the rapes. I was stone cold sober, but it would just hit me. The brain is powerful. It can heal tho too.

 

[MorelCabin]

Thanks for sharing that hillfarm, and I am so glad to hear that you have healed from that experience. I am also very sorry to hear that this happened to you. That was very brutal, in fact I cannot even imagine. It must have taken a lot to write that post.

Awesme advice! You are so right, it doesn't have to define us. There will probably always be little things in our lives that go back to that experience, but we can go on :>)

 

[hillfarm]

I would have such violent dreams, reliving what happened in full detail and actual fresh pain.
I'd wake up with the hic up cry. From sobbing in my sleep.

I don't have those dreams anymore. I don't have the physical pain or nausea anymore. But it took years. And buckets of trust that my husband was in love with my heart and my soul and my body was just an expression of that.

For me healing was taking time to trust myself. Find my strength and power. Then I could put it in a man's hands and trust he would honor it.

He was abused as a kid also, so we both understand what its like to be careful with eachother. I know I dont say certain phrases that trigger memories. And he knows I have things that can be an instant turnoff.

I wish I could just have a cup of coffee with her and tell her it will be ok. It will heal, keep working towards it. This crap may be what she has to go threw to force her to unpack that bag. For me it was him divorcing me for basically a sexless marriage.

 

[urban dreamer]

God, It's incredible how many people have been abused or taken advantage of. Another one here. I was raped at least once a week from the time I was 10 until I was 16. Oh Lori, I'm hopeing and praying you find a solution. Only you will know what it is. All we can do is relay what we know/have done and hope that helps you along. Keep trying hun, don't let down.

 

[Denim Deb]

Don't have anything to add, but just for all of you. You all are amazing for what you've lived thru.

Lori, just one question, do you have pain from wearing pants? I remember reading years ago about this woman who could not get a doctor to listen to her. Her symptoms were very similar to yours. And, she could not wear pants because of the pain. Like you, she was told it was all in her head. I do not recall now what she was finally diagnosed with, but if you have the same thing she had, she was cured.

 

[Up-the-Creek]

well....I felt better after my long hot bath in WATER and Epsom salts....yuck yuck yuck

Then my husband got the grand idea to piss me off about the whole sex thing again and I ended up beating him.....I am not kidding....I laid in the bed and hit him over and over until he finally sat up and grabbed me by the wrists and held me down.

Now, I am not a violent person but I can only take so much before I snap. That coupled with the fact that I have not had bread or cake in 3 days and it is just too much. I can only tell him so many times that it is not about him...it's not that I don't want to have sex with HIM, it's that I don't want to have sex with ANYBODY...not even myself. He constantly tells me to just be honest and tell him I don't love him anymore. Are you kidding me?

Hi Lori! It has been awhile since I have been on here, but I just wanted to say I am sorry to hear you are having trouble. I too have a similar problem, not interested and DH is (of course). For me it is a lot of emotional baggage and just being tired of all the "needy" crap. I know what you are saying about him not understanding that it is not about him. It seems to me, in my situation anyway, they think it is always about them . You know what, I think you need to take care of yourself. If he truly loves you, he will understand. Stay strong Lori.

 

[FarmerDenise]

I also have just about 0 sex drive and it is painful for me too.
And I was molested from the age of 7 to 13 and raped on more than one occasion in my later teens. I finally took judo and that helped some. I also went to couseling for many years and go again every once in a while.

just want to send you one or two of these

 

[MsPony]

I am on the other side, my SO is NOT into sex, at all, like you, and I "need" it. Its very hard for those of us, who use sex as a close/emotional bonding thing, to have a partner who is not up to par. I have to work VERY hard to not constantly pressure or turns conversations/arguments into sex. Its really hard, and I have a slight idea of how your husband feels right now. I mean, you can please yourself all you want, but it doesnt cure that emotional/close feeling you get during/after sex. Its a hard road

Other people have some good ideas, good luck