Lorihadams-- hi guys...been busy!

[dragonlaurel]

I can understand both sides of this fairly well. I was molested throughout my childhood and have always had some issues to deal with about sex, trust and closeness. Anything that reminded me of him would shut down any chance of being interested in sex. Certain physical features, men that are much older than me, things he used to say, etc. still make me go cold inside - even though I haven't seen him since I was 13. That's over 30 years, but time doesn't pass the same way about thing like this.

I don't freeze up easily now, but I always picked guys that were nothing like him. Any woman who has been molested/raped gets turned off by feeling too pressured. Even if they normally love that person. Heavy pressure can start a fear/anger/ adrenaline reaction even when the other person is not trying to do any harm.

A good marriage counselor may be able to help you both to find ways around this. Sometimes they can help people find better ways of expressing things, without triggering painful emotional reactions. You might also try deep breathing to help calm down when things are starting to get triggered. The feeling might pass easier.

I also understand that physical affection and sex are basic needs. Wanting sex is a human instinct that is hard to ignore. Asking him to compromise about how he deals with it, is still reasonable. I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I can deal with it if I don't feel totally rejected. Some TLC really helps when the other person hasn't been in the mood for a while. Physical frustration interferes with clear thinking, so he is responding emotionally. You need to remind the emotional side that he is still loved, even when he isn't getting what he wants.
He also should " relieve some of the pressure " himself, so he wont feel too frustrated. Kissing or cuddling with him while he does might be a good compromise. It could be a way to still feel closer to each other while releasing the pressure that you are both dealing with.

 

[kristenm1975]

Well, I don't know if it's a depressing sign of the state of the world, or if it's a way to bond over a shared pain, but I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Several of my mom's boyfriends molested me from the ages of 10 to 15 when I moved away from home to avoid being abused by the newest boyfriend.

Perhaps as a result of those abuses, and a desire to be the sexual aggressor, I became very promiscuous (sp?) in my early twenties, as well as a habit of drinking way too much. I was dated raped before I got a clue that that was no way to live.

Flash forward ten years, and I am married to a man who understands me very well but is painfully disappointed in my nearly complete lack of interest in sex. I was his ideal woman for nearly two years, passionate and craving sexual closeness. However, he began to put on weight and my sex drive disappeared. I worried that I was just being shallow, but soon made the connection between his appearance and that of the older men who had raped me. No wonder I didn't want sex! It took me TEN YEARS to communicate this to him. Only tonight did I have the courage to tell him this. I was so afraid of hurting his feelings. It was totally worth it. I can't believe it took me this long.

 

[Beekissed]

Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.FM wrote

I feel that letting go and not allowing the past to still control you and have power over your life is important,

That is kind of how I would define forgiveness... it isn't for the benefit of the abuser, but for the abused. It doesn't say what happened is ok, it is saying it doesn't hold you in a bitter frightened heap anymore.


That said - counseling has helped me tons. The delay in effects could very well be physical, and I agree that any doctor that says "it's all in your head" deserves you getting a 2nd opinion. The delay can also be triggered memories.

No matter what, you deserve respect for your feelings and your body.... you have had enough experience with being treated otherwise.

I agree with AL on this one.

Forgiving someone who is evil and continues to be evil doesn't make sense to me.

Forgiveness for something like this is definitely not for the person that inflicted the hurt. It is most definitely so one can not hold that hurt to your heart until your heart is bleeding every day.

I, too, was molested as a child, by an uncle and my brother. It does amaze me how many women on this forum have been molested and raped....it is downright horrifying. Just think of what a large percentage of us there are...and times that by how many there must be out in the population of the world.

But, it is also edifying to know they have lived past that experience to become wonderful people with decent lives and good hearts.

Lori, other than your endometriosis and childbirth trauma, was there anything else that happened after that first year of normal sex life you had with your husband? If that isn't too personal a question to ask?

The fact that sex hurts can be both physical and psychosomatic but I had a similar experience and you might look for similarities anywhere in this story.

With one man I was in a relationship with, I had similar pain like yours. I had a bearing down feeling right after sex and it was so painful that I would sit on the floor and rock back and forth. It seemed like it would hurt for the next couple of days.

At the same time I was having irritable bowel symptoms.

I had all the tests and had doctors tell me it was either my sex partner was "too big" or that it was "all in my head".

Meanwhile, a friend of mine was having similar symptoms. One day she was watching a talk show on this and all these women had been all over the US looking for doctors that could help them.

The final conclusion? These women were allergic to their husband/partner's sperm/ejaculate. It was causing allergic reactions like swelling, pressure, irritation, etc.

My friend and I had never been allergic to anything like this but we both had partners that used marijuana daily. When we got away from these men, our problems magically disappeared.

Could there be something your husband is ingesting/smoking that you could be reacting to? Even a prescription med could do this.

I'm not saying it could be all the problem but it's worth considering if you feel pressure and like you have to pee afterwards, which could mean your have vaginal/uterine swelling/engorgement.

That, and the fact you feel pressured to have sex, would be enough to kill all desire for most women.

 

[dragonlaurel]

Good Luck Kristen! It's easier once you know what the problems are. Talking it over seems to have helped.

It may be more frequent, but people weren't admitting it happened or reporting it to the police much before. I think victims family's were more likely to go for revenge than go for the sheriff. May be the explanation for some old unsolved murders though.

 

[Blackbird]

Just to pipe in my thoughts!

I never really 'blamed' or hated anyone for my abuse, nor do I hate my dad. I don't hate anyone, it's a very strong word that I don't have any need for. So I can say that I forgive him - he would not care either way. I do not LIKE him, nor want to be around him, but I can speak to him civilly at times.
But forgiveness hasn't changed anything for me. It hasn't helped. Yes the years of abuse were wrong and terrible and forgiveness doesn't change a thing. Maybe I'm not that far in the 'process' of healing... And I'm certainly not healing in any specific order, but for some, it doesn't do a damn thing. Maybe it will change, maybe I'll find a lot of anger within myself and decide differently.

But you also can't tell someone to forgive someone.. That has to come from inside them when they find it, not before. Some people never forgive, and that's ok, too.

Unfortunately male abuse victims like myself aren't that rare either, yet abuse, of so many forms, is rarely talked about it seems... It's swept under the rug which doesn't always help. There are far too many of us.

 

[Denim Deb]

Going along w/what BB said, I used to teach karate to children. One part of the class dealt w/dealing w/pedophiles and bullies. An interesting fact I learned is that the group most likely to be molested yet not report it is boys between the ages of 11 and 14.

 

[Jen-pi]

I was thinking about this topic last night over a soapy sink of dishes.
The sheer number of members here who have been sexually abused is alarming.

Maybe thats why "we" turned out the way we did. Like taking the attitude: I dont need any help from anyone - I dont trust anyone to take care of me, I can do it by myself...

Do you know what I mean?

 

[aggieterpkatie]

I would recommend marriage counseling. Has he ever been to a counseling session with you Lori? I think it'd be great for him to be able to get out his feelings, and maybe help you understand better where he's coming from, and you could communicate to him where you're coming from. This is definitely something that effects both in the marriage, and it's hard on both of you.

 

[kristenm1975]

Thank you dragonlaurel!

Jen-pi, that's an interesting point about the link between self-sufficiency and sexual abuse. It makes a lot of sense that people who were abused would naturally not want to depend on others as we've learned on some level not to trust.

I will say though that among my female friends, even as a child, about one or two out of three have been sexually abused to one degree or another in their lifetime. That's why I feel its one of my greatest joys to have a daughter turning 18 in a few months who has not experienced this pain. It's likely also part of why I want to be a nanny, able to protect little ones.

Lori, I'm sure a lot of this feels just overwhelming. Something that makes a difference for me in times when I feel that is to find something simple that gives me joy, whether it be a good sandwich or a walk in the woods, and then just really soak it in. Allow yourself to feel all of the pleasure and joy that's available in that moment. That's something that you can tuck in your pocket and carry away with you to your everyday interactions.

 

[urban dreamer]

I was thinking about this topic last night over a soapy sink of dishes.
The sheer number of members here who have been sexually abused is alarming.

Maybe thats why "we" turned out the way we did. Like taking the attitude: I dont need any help from anyone - I dont trust anyone to take care of me, I can do it by myself...

Do you know what I mean?

That's a frightening conclusion, eerie even. Abuse definatly destroys your trust.


Lori, I think what everyone is getting at by sharing thier stories is, your not alone. You are apart of a huge network of folks that share your experiences. It goes back to trust. Yes, we are words on a computer screen, but we are also real people that care. I know I for one, am getting emotionally worked up trying to think of some way to help.